Thoughts

I love this time of year. The slow moments where summer slips into fall. The indian summer. Where the air smells different. I love how the colors ever-so-subtly shift from green to golden. School starts. From my bedroom I can hear the noises of kids playing soccer in the fields by my house. And football. My hometown is lit every Friday night by the illumination of those stadium lights. I want to bake again. I want to fill my home with the smells of delicious treats that I didn't dare to bake in the summer for fear of heating up the house. I love the clothes. Cardigans. Scarfs. I love going out a night time and feeling the air cool from the heat of the day, grateful to don a jacket, grateful to feel the heat snap.

I love going to school. I always have felt anticipation at the start of a new year. What will I learn. What books will I get to read? Who will be in my classes? Who will I meet? Will I meet life long friends? Will I meet cute boys? I love to learn. I love to feel my mind expand. I love to think new thoughts about things I never even considered. I love to understand more about the world around me and those who inhabit it. I love understanding. I love the intellectual stimulation.

This year I felt no such anticipation. Instead I felt dread. I felt cheated out of a summer. I felt exhausted. I spent my summer at an internship with amazing people. People who were inspirational. People who will be life long friends. I loved it. But it was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. Probably more so than I let on. And I was trying to work part time too. And when the time came for school to start I was bitter instead of excited. I was weary instead of anticipatory. I had my guns up, ready to fight doing every assignment that came my way. Ready to procrastinate my studies up until the last acceptable moment. I was burned out, and ready to forsake my studies.

Then last night I had an epiphany. I was sitting on a rooftop watching the day turn into night. It was beautiful. There were rain clouds at the mouth of the canyon. And there was lots of light. Light reflecting on the clouds. That heavenly light where each ray shines perfectly through the clouds creating distinct, individual rays. I was so content. More content than I have been in a really long time. Then I thought about school. Recently thoughts about school have disrupted those moments where I feel most happy. When I think about school, I feel overwhelmed. But yesterday sitting on that rooftop, the thought of school could not ruin my contentment. And I realized. I can choose to be happy while I am school. School does not have to ruin those moments of sheer happiness. It can happen parallel to them. I can be happy while simultaneously going to school. I can embrace the beauty around me and be so happy, and be in school at the same time.

I needed this insight. I felt free. Free to be happy. What a good feeling. I am going to be happy and in school, even though I will be most happy when the semester is done.

I can't wait to sit on a roof again soon. Who knows what great thoughts I will think next!